the bubbling feelings of before

March 10, 2023

I’ve been enveloped by the excitement of it all, fed by the energy of everyone surrounding me. Their support and enthusiasm has amplified all the good feelings, where I can exist in this space of delighted disbelief. But it’s caused me to ignore all the nervousness that hides beneath it all. This week, all of that fear made itself known in the way it often does, manifesting in my physical body so I could no longer ignore it. I came up with every excuse for my three day headache - not enough yoga, dehydration, too much desk sitting with poor posture… when really the answer always lies in the same place - the stress I ignore. Quite honestly, I never recognized its existence in the first place.

We’re certainly not the first to make a journey like this. I see it all the time on the internet. And there’s an outlook I always repeat to myself - “If that person can do it, I can do it.” This confidence stems from the support system I’ve been surrounded by my entire life. I’ve never been told I couldn’t do something. There’s absolutely been questions but never discouragement. I’ve operated this way in my life, that I’ll always be able to figure it out or make it work, no matter what the situation is. Be “tough” and don’t complain. So even when I encounter those questions, as many of them have surfaced of late - questions as simple as “where do you go to the bathroom” or “aren’t you afraid of the bears?” I puff my chest and put a smile on my face like it’s just part of the experience and it’s no big deal. Because it is! And it isn’t! But part of my reaction is a facade for the way I’m truly feeling.

The truth is - I’m scared as fuck! But no one really asks you that question, and even if they did, I’m not sure I would tell them the entirety of the truth. Because I want to exude confidence in the choices I have made. I want there to be no hesitation because I don’t want others to doubt me. When in reality, the entire experience is opening myself up to an entirely different world than what I am used to and I’ve never been immersed in it for an extended period of time. So I put on my smile, and tell myself that I can handle whatever comes my way, because I can. But I’ve forgotten to acknowledge the fact that within that handling, there can be fear, there can be mistakes, I don’t have to pretend like I’m fully prepared for what is ahead of me because every single day I am going to learn something new. Every single day, I will become frustrated by my situation, or hate that I don’t have a flushable toilet, or will loathe having to shower outside in the cold. But every single day, I will figure out how to make small changes to improve how I am functioning in this new life and though I may not have a toilet, I can look out and see this beautiful landscape for miles on end, and when I’m cold trying to bathe myself, I will relish the quiet of this existence away from the honking and the 3am garbage trucks and the bags of warm, smelly garbage on the sidewalks of NYC.

It all sounds so cliche, but it’s the reality of this experience. It’s why people follow “van lifers” and are fascinated by those who live off the grid. It’s why so many have made a trek to a national park in the past 3 years and who dream of leaving it all behind to find something new. I want to feel it all too. It’ll be hard as hell and there will be days I ask myself why in the world I made this choice. And I want to acknowledge that without dwelling on it, or feeding into those who look at me like I’ve lost all sanity. I want to feel both ways instead of ignoring the tough stuff and pretending like I’m not fearful of what lies ahead. Because fear can be good, it can be motivating. It’s when I feel most real with myself.